When it feels too good to be true

I’ve wanted to write a book my entire life. I did and it comes out in just a few weeks.

Since I was a child, I dreamed of being a writer. For a long time, it was the only thing I believed I was good at. For this reason I believed I had to be a writer. In college, I studied journalism. I was pretty good, one of the best in my class. I received praise from professors who were on Oprah’s book club. Until one fateful e-mail came through from a single professor who believed I wasn’t good enough to be a professional. He didn’t quite say I wasn’t good enough, his words about my applying to graduate school for writing were, ‘those programs are really competitive.’ When I received that feedback, the message I got was ‘you’re not good enough, you should quit now.’

It wasn’t hard to receive that message. Perhaps, more difficult than receiving it was allowing myself to believe I could be a successful writer in the first place. My professor’s message was the outcome I’d expected.

Many trauma survivors (myself included), live with a too-good-to-be-true mentality. If we prepare for the worst, we are prepared when the worst inevitably happens. It is not unexpected or unknown. When we can predict what will happen, it can offer us safety and calm. When events feel unpredictable and unexpected, we can feel out of control and are confused by how to respond. The brain finds safety in predictability. We build our behavior and responses around what we expect to happen.

Trauma is unpredictable. It is a nervous system reaction in response to real or perceived threat—the nervous system’s best response as an attempt to protect and survive. As trauma survivors, we may seem like “debbie downers” who plan for the worst, but it is the trauma survivors you want to be with in a zombie apocalypse. We are quick to jump in to action because chaos is our comfort zone.

So why do I say all this in relation to my book? As I inch toward the release date, I’m feeling timid about celebrating. How do I celebrate? Do I plan something publicly or with friends? There have been several small milestones to celebrate along the way and there will continue to be milestones as we inch closer to the release, and yet I’m struggling to celebrate this dream-come-true life accomplishment.

My trauma brain tells me it could still be taken away. That a disaster could happen to taint this moment for me. That with being seen can come being too much in the spotlight. When I can grasp the worst thing that could happen, when I can acknowledge that even if it did occur I would be okay, I feel some relief. When I can acknowledge all I have been through and know I can get through another disappointment, I feel some relief.

Experiencing the ‘good’ can also bring intense emotions on-line. As trauma survivors, our emotions may dim so we can tolerate them. This doesn’t dim only our uncomfortable emotions, it dims our pleasant emotions as well. Allowing ourselves to to experience the pleasant means experiencing the emotions that come with the pleasant.

I recognize my need to dim celebration and achievements. I recognize the fear that comes with being seen. I intimately know the part of me who says it’s ‘too good to be true.’ I know her need to dim the good things that happen to us for fear they’ll be taken away.

I can update this part on where we are now. I can let her know the community waiting to embrace me and celebrate with me. I can let her know that should it be taken away, should the worst happen, we have that same community to fall back on. So we know that even in the midst of struggle, we are never alone.